Countdown to the Gay Games - Changes

Week 5

This week marks the longest run so far - 10 miles in one stretch. The weeks thus far have been tough. I can't stop comparing myself to my performance in the marathon a few years ago. It seems like now I am running slower than I did back then and I've already managed to develop hip bursitis and IT band syndrome. I don't remember having any of those problems until much later in the training. When I trained for the first marathon, I was in better shape, sported six pack abs, and drowned in a 28 inch waist. Absent from the gym in over a year, I've acquired the lower ab pudge and no longer need a belt to hold up the pants. Running doesn't seem as enjoyable as it did then and I've even been tempted to start running with my iPod to pass the time (gasps heard in the back as people consider Bob actually using his iPod). In short, I'm feeling older.

The same holds true for my gay life. Back when I ran my first marathon, we were just coming out of the Clinton administration. The disaster of 9/11 was only months old. Post residency, I was carving out my niche in the gay social scene. I had just started on my road to dual citizenship in Atlanta. Now, the political scene is ravaged with the battles between gay rights and religion. People emboldened by the new administration don't even try to hide their intolerant dissent anymore. I go to dinner parties instead of dance clubs and if I am standing next to the new generation of gays I feel, well, old.

It's hard to avoid comparing oneself now to a previous version. It's even harder not to feel bad when you do. I think we tend to do that, only concentrate on the negative aspects of change instead of concentrating on how positively necessary it is. We forget how skewed our memories can be of the past, filtering out the negative experiences to carry with us only the best parts. And we don't give ourselves enough credit for our current advances.

I really wonder if I felt that great in the first few weeks of marathon training those moons ago or if my global memory of my marathon experience has eclipsed the bad stuff. Maybe, I'm right on track. And if I consider that this week I am running ten miles in a day whereas five weeks ago I wasn't running at all, maybe there is room for cutting myself a bit of slack. And while my happy go lucky gay social scene back then marks a true turning point in my life, there were some tough times carving out the identity I have today. And I'm learning that the new version of the old me is still having just as much fun (even though I've traded the squarecut for the surfjam). The rest of the country will follow its own suit.

Yeah, I'm older. But I haven't changed that much. I've carried the best parts and the best people with me. Older, and better.