Selfish

One of the great things about being out at work is that your co-workers get very comfortable talking about gay topics and you really get a nice view into the thought process of conservative heteros. Case in point. Last week, a co-worker asked me if my BF and I were ever planning on having children. Now, aside from the fact that I find most children annoying, I have no desire to parent in this day and age. Neither does he. And personally, I don't want to spend my energy constantly wondering whether I was fucking it up. In this case, I thought a simple "no" would suffice.

"Oh, so you're one of those selfish gay couples who wants to spend all of their money on themselves". Wham, I did not see that one coming. I mean, this was even worse than the "you shouldn't get married because gay men are not capable of maintaining a monogamous relationship" rant I have heard multiple times before. I am so tired of these ludicrous arguments - these "good gay/bad gay" delineations.

If by selfish you mean that I prefer to use my hard earned salary toward paying back my loans from years of postgraduate education (while my friends were going on spring break). Or toward helping my brother adopt a child of his own. Or putting it toward my godson's college education. Maybe you mean the money I donate to GLSEN, the organization that promotes the healthy education of LGBT youth. But even if you mean the money I selfishly wasted on my Prada loafers, the John Varvatos sweater (which I got at rack price), the seemingly silly 36 hour trips to Atlanta just to see friends at their pool party, the trip to Hawaii and the upgraded mustang convertible rental, too bad. TOO. BAD.

Because mostly, I think that you are just jealous. I don't think that you can stand the fact that, as a gay man, I am not constrained by many of the social pressures that plague you. I don't have to get married just because we've been dating a certain amount of time and all of her friends are married. (Or god forbid, people think I'm gay.) I am not forced to choose one person to be intimate with for what is assumed to be the rest of my life. I don't have to feel cornered into having children because of a proverbial inner clock or because I should want them. Some might, but I don't. If that makes me selfish, so be it. I choose to travel and see the world. I choose to look fabulous with my even more fabulous friends, drinking gin under a hot sun, eating at a swanky restaurant, or dancing the night away. I choose to openly negotiate my sex life, with respect, like an adult. I choose to come home from work, have a beer and pizza, pop in a DVD, and relax without any interruption. And I'm lucky enough to have found another person who doesn't mind figuring out what being selfish together means, hell maybe for the rest of our lives. And by the tone in your voice, something tells me that you wish you could be selfish too.

The whole thing just got me thinking, and it all makes sense now. You don't believe that we should be able to have or adopt children, but you do think that we should want them. You don't believe that we should be allowed to get married, but you do think that we should all want to maintain sexually monogamous relationships. You think that we should all want to be like you but you don't believe that we ever could. Maybe it's because if you allowed yourself to see us in a positive light as equals, you would realize that it's not so much how we wish we were like you, but rather how much you wish you were like us. And that, frankly, scares you.